Too Close for Comfort?
How involved should parents be in the lives of their teenage children??
How would you describe your parents? Does your parent always hover over you, like a
helicopter? Or do you wish you could spend more time together? Lisa Damour, a psychologist,
says that many adolescents wish their parents were around more often.
Wanting to have parents around does not mean constantly talking with them. It definitely doesn't
mean having parents intervene in all situations. After all, teenagers are not toddlers. Damour
believes the ideal for teenagers is the "potted plant" parent. A potted plant parent is ready to
support and guide, but mostly stays in the background.
"It's great if you and your adolescent get along well with each other," Damour explained to
parents in a New York Times article. "But even if you don't, your uneasy presence is better for
your teenager than your physical absence."
A recent study by the University of Western Australia led Damour to her potted plant theory. The
study found that a parent's physical presence is crucial in relationships with children.
Researchers studied parents who worked long hours away from home. They found that when
parents were gone too often, it could disrupt a child's emotional well-being.
Of course, parents do not have to be present all the time. A classic 1997 study suggested that
parental presence during certain, key times is more helpful than their presence at other times.
Before and after school, at dinner and at bedtime are some of the most important times.
In fact, a 2012 study found negative effects of parents who are over-involved in their children's
lives. These are nicknamed "helicopter" parents. Laura Padilla-Walker is a lead author of the
study. She explained that helicopter parents do not value having children make their own
decisions. The research team at Brigham Young University collected data from college students.
They found that children of helicopter parents were less engaged in school.
Parents' high expectations can also hurt their children's academic and social development.
Students face feelings of inadequacy if they are expected to be perfect. Some are discouraged,
instead of inspired, by their peers' accomplishments.
"Teens are always aware that other students in their school have stronger abilities than
themselves, "Shamima, 17, explained in a CNN article. "When they receive their grades, there is
a heavy shadow of remorse. Inside, they think their parents are yearning for their child to only
be the best."
It can be hard for parents to find the balance between being present in their children's lives and
being controlling. Sometimes it feels like they just don't get it-even if they do have good
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